COUPLES’ SEXUAL PROBLEMS
Another instance of a couple with sexual problems was that of George and Katherine. In their early fifties, they had lived together for ten years when I saw them. George’s ED, the result of surgery three years before, had put a serious damper on what had been a working relationship. However, after the pills were prescribed for him, something had changed.
“Ever since he’s gotten his erections back, it’s like living in a porno movie,” Katherine began. “He wants to try things that make me uneasy —to say the least. And he wants to have sex a lot more frequently than we ever did before his illness. I understand—I really do—that he’s overjoyed at getting back what he thought he lost forever. But still, I have to adjust to it, too, and he’s not giving me the time to do it.”
“Who has time?” George erupted. “We have to take what we want, when we want it. If you’d been hurt like I was, you’d really understand.”
“Look,” she told him. “I feel guilty when I tell you I don’t feel like having sex. And then I feel angry when you give me grief about it.”
In this situation, I referred Katherine and George to a psychotherapist. His anger and her guilt were a volatile combination, and they required professional guidance to help sort out their dilemma. In time, they were able to do so, drawing on the strong elements that had kept them together.
The sexual problems that touched them included:
• anger at a partner who refuses sex
• different ideas of appealing sexual behavior
Think about your own feelings concerning:
• any deficiency in your sex life
• your preferred sexual activities and those of your partner
• whether you perceive that you give your partner more than she gives you
• a sexual act that you would like to engage in
• any guilt felt about those acts, or ones you already perform
• your reaction when or if your partner doesn’t want to have sex
Where sexual problems are present, a couple often needs outside help. If you are committed to each other, you owe yourselves the time and effort needed to pass those roadblocks in your relationship.
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